There are so many areas of my life that I want to change. So many things that need changed in order to make me the Christian I want to be, the daughter my Father deserves. I was listening to Joyce Meyer yesterday morning and she was talking about living the Word. She mentioned that she knew her soul was saved and she was on her way to Heaven, but there were parts of her that still needed to get saved, mentioning that her mouth was one of those areas. I understood totally what she meant...there are areas of her life that does not lead someone to know that she has a personal relationship with Jesus. I was sitting on a stool in my kitchen telling the tv, "That's me! That's me!! I'm afraid that people can't tell that I have a personal relationship with Jesus based on my life!!"
It is a daily struggle for me to stay encouraging and focused...many days I feel like I'm faking and truth be told, I am. There are so many days when my flesh wins and my Bible is never opened. There are days when I know I should call/visit/send a card to Sister So&So but never make a move to do anything. By the time I've decided to do something about it, it's time to get supper ready and be a wife and help meet. Then all evening long I allow satan to sneer and laugh at me and convince that I'll never be what I want to be for Christ.
I am reminded of Paul's words in the book of Romans:
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."
(Chapter 7:15-19, NLT)
That is me!! I want to do what is right and what is good, but I struggle in doing it. I struggle in carrying it out!! I struggle in staying focused and sold out and committed!! It is utterly exhausting to me!!!!
You see, it's easy for me to stay focused on what a failure I am. It's easy for me to yell, "Defeat!!" and let satan party on. It's harder for me to move on to the next verses that remind me that the fight going on within myself is not me, but it is the sin nature that is within me.
"But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power* within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."
It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that even though I belong to Christ, I still struggle with the sins that so many others struggle with. I think this may be because I look around and see so many women who seem to have it so much better put together than I do. What my flesh refuses to let me see though, is these same women are struggling just as I am. Maybe they're not going through what I am at the moment, but they either have already been through it or they have fought or are fighting their own battles.
So I've come to a bit of a decision, while I'm not going to change several of the things I do on my blog, I have decided to become transparent. Not to become a downer or to depress others, but to let other women (and men) know that it's not all daisies and roses for me. I do let my Savior down. I am negative towards my husband. I did yell at my teenagers. My sink is full of dirty dishes and supper is whatever I could throw in a pot quickly because I wasted my day.
I just want this to be a real place for real women who want to be the very best daughter to the King they can.