Saturday, April 11, 2009

Here's Why I've Been Gone

Maybe you've noticed I've been out of pocket the last few days. Yes, it was intentional.The reason....

As noted in earlier posts, DS has fought his way back out of the wilderness. He is trying so hard to stay focused on God and lining up his (DS's) will with God's. An admirable thing to do, no doubt.

However, as most of us who've struggled with wilderness happenings know, our past does haunt us. Satan will try every avenue he possibly can to remind us of past failings and how awful we truly are. Even though we know that Jesus has bought us, washed us and cleansed us, satan refuses to let us believe that.

We also know that satan will bring past influences to us so that we can "get them saved".

Thus DS.

He wants so desperately to see the people from his wilderness saved...and I truly do myself! Nothing is more important than your relationship with Jesus Christ. NOTHING.

He isn't intentionally putting himself in their arena, but he's putting himself out there..and it makes me afraid. He only broke through the clouds and vines and thorns 3 short weeks ago.

I've reminded him of the story of Lot's wife and how she kept looking back. I've reminded him that we're told to put our hand to the plow and not look back.

I don't believe for a second that he's wishing to go back to that kind of life (as I know the two previous examples imply). He truly wants to see these people saved. But he's trying to do this one on one. He believes he's strong enough to do this. Me. I'm not so sure.

I've been around a good while and made many mistakes.

I've not witnessed when I should and out right ignored God's pleadings with me at times.

I also tried to get my old party crowd "saved".

Shortly after DH and I met Jesus, our old party crowd invited us to a party.

"You don't have to drink!! There will be plenty of diet Coke there! Just come hang out!"

And we did.

And we were miserable.

We tried to show them that you could have fun without all of this alcohol and drugs.
We were ignored.

We watched these people with new eyes and saw the destruction that was exploding all around us.

We left.

We removed ourselves from the evil that surrounded us and never looked back.
DS has a slightly harder problem.

One of his wilderness "buddies" goes to church with us.

I confess being in the flesh. How do I handle things when he goes to this person (female) takes her hand and prays with her?

I should be cheering him on, right??

No..I'm livid. Angry doesn't begin to scratch the surface.

Take us to this past Wednesday night when I watched him laughing with this female and having conversation.

Please know I do not want him being rude to her, but I just want him to keep his least for now.

My flesh tells me I'm justified in my feelings.

Jesus tells me that no matter what, He died for her just as he died for me.

My heart is confused.

I....we..lived along with DS the struggles and incredible horrors of the last 6 months. I DO NOT want to go back there.....EVER. None of us do...but yet when I watch him interact with her, all I see is a repeat performance.

I attacked DS upon his entrance into our car and was mean and not at all Christ like the entire ride home.

When we got home he went to his room, I went to mine.

A little later I went to him and in a calmer more Christ-like attitude apologized and again tried to explain my fears. He tells me I have nothing to fear. He just wants to see her have a true relationship with Jesus.

Again, something I truly desire as well....I know I have to trust my son.

I know that Jesus is not the Author of confusion or fear.

And if that's not coming from Jesus, then we know who it's coming from.

The thought of satan having any control over me makes me as livid as I was Wednesday night.

On Thursday one of my best girlfriends and I just escaped for the day. I really needed that and I really needed the conversation. DH has been home since Friday and will be through Monday because of the hours reduction at his job. I've needed his company as well.

There is still a little tension between DS and myself. I'm trying to back off....just a little...and truly trust that he won't allow himself to be.......sucked back in.

So...I'm asking for prayer and I'm asking for advice...yet again, and I'm thankful that I know in my heart bloggy buddies..will do just that.


Sandy said...

My heart hurts for you. I can relate to your joys and pains, and I will pray. Never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of those we love. Grace and peace to you!

Sandy said...

Let go and Let God! When we cling on the hardest is when we stop his hand from moving. Saturate yourself in the word, don't let the enemy steal the joy you have in your DS. God has brought him out of the miry clay and it is a time in rejoicing.

My brother just went through a wilderness experience and as his sis it is hard because even now I want to take control. I don't agree with the church he has chosen but God showed me that he chose church and not the bar and to rejoice in that.

Praying for you and your family. I pray you have a blessed week :)

Pam D said...

Praying.. for you.. for your DS.. and for ALL things to work together for good, knowing that you love the Lord. I hurt for you.. as my little boy gets older, I can see a stubborn desire to taste of the "forbidden fruit". And even now, I'm realizing that he'll have to make his own mistakes; I'll do all I can to equip him, but he has to make the journey. I'll stand on God's promise that if we raise them up in the way they should go, when they're old, they won't depart from it. Even if your son wanders or wavers, I have a feeling that you've planted that homing beacon, and he will never be content until he's on the right path. You've done your job... now.. you have to trust in God to do His. Remember.. do not be anxious.. prayer and petition.. THANKSGIVING.. the peace that passes ALL understanding...